Question 84 – Sex only after marriage - do you really believe that?
Sexuality is a phenomenon that significantly and fundamentally influences human lives, and it would be a grave mistake not to at least mention it. However, there are many questions that are worth pondering. A staggering number of people are enslaved by pornography. Many individuals are captives to sexual fantasies that won't leave their minds at peace even for a few minutes. Many are addicted to masturbation, considering it absolutely normal and even healthy. Countless people suffer from the onslaught of perverse and depraved sexual thoughts and desires. Simultaneously, numerous people have entirely false notions about Christianity's stance on sexuality. From the broad range of questions, I've chosen the following: Do Christians really believe that sex belongs only within marriage? The answer is—yes.
It is true that some liberal Christians disagree with this view; however, their stances are not genuinely Christian, and their proponents live, at best, in defiance of God's will, or, at worst, are not Christians at all.
Is Sex Only After Marriage?
When the average person hears such a perspective, it's often met with the question of whether we've been transported back to the Middle Ages. I know many people react this way because I did too, not long ago. I couldn't understand how anyone could hold such a view in the 21st century. At the same time, I had no idea that there are numerous significant and compelling (often pragmatic) arguments in favor of this belief. Our entire society is so deformed and deceived by false notions of sexuality that many people cannot think about sex healthily at all.
Before we delve into the defense of the Christian position, I want to briefly introduce God's perspective on sex. Sexuality is a beautiful gift from God! Sex as such serves two fundamental purposes: the procreative function (conceiving a child) and the unitive function (finding joy in one another). Both functions are interconnected and blessed by God. The Bible, for example, says:
"The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." (1 Corinthians 7:3–5)
These verses may be the origin of the well-known expression "marital duties."
Sex in itself isn't bad; it is a gift for both man and woman. However, God has set clear boundaries for it! The foundational boundary is the safety of a loving marital union, where both man and woman commit to love each other through thick and thin and to live together until death. It is an environment where they can know each other more closely and deeply and build a stronger bond. The question of these boundaries can be compared, for instance, to driving a car.
Just as driving isn't wrong when done within clearly outlined rules (having a driver's license, not being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, etc.), sex isn't wrong if it is within the context of marriage. Problems arise, however, when a thirteen-year-old or an intoxicated person drives. Yes, driving under the influence or during adolescence might seem fun and exciting, but these individuals endanger their own lives and the lives of others. It is similar with sex.
When God-given boundaries are crossed, it results in unpleasantness, disappointment, various hurts, broken hearts, abortions, and often severe illnesses and even death.
Why Wait to Have Sex?
Allow me to briefly outline a few key reasons why it's wise not to experiment with sex and instead wait for the safety of a loving union. I will almost entirely omit biblical arguments, which clearly support premarital sexual purity, and instead focus on purely practical reasons.
1) Sexuality is a Dirty Business
Before we debate the arguments against an oversexualized society, it's necessary to recognize that many of the reasons to reject the Christian stance are rooted in a massive business that has enslaved masses of people and left them, in many cases, as emotional and relational cripples. The pornography industry, abortion industry, and contraceptive industry bring unfathomable multibillion-dollar profits to various interest groups that deliberately promote free sexuality and so-called "freedom" in sexual matters.
2) A Relationship Isn't Just About Sex
Today's world has reduced the word love to mean sex. Everything a relationship should revolve around is sex. However, its role should actually be supplementary! It's like the frosting on a cake. If you haven't baked the cake properly, sex won't save your marriage, nor will you enjoy it as much. A relationship is primarily about love, dignity, and the unconditional acceptance of the man by the woman, and vice versa. People can communicate on multiple levels—emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual. To achieve a healthy and fulfilling relationship, we must build all these aspects together. Premarital sex often degrades all these levels and essentially only builds on the physical. Upon entering marriage, many problems emerge, and relationships crumble—the pillars that the marriage was supposed to be built on simply don't exist.
Conversely, if a relationship stands on all pillars, cultivating and enjoying sex becomes more natural, pleasant, and safe. Once a relationship is reduced to mere sexual satisfaction, negative effects soon follow, and such a relationship usually collapses. Sex without love is essentially a degradation of God's intention to an animalistic level.
3) Everyone Wants a Virgin
When Christian counselor Tomáš Řehák asked a high school class full of boys this question:
"Honestly, if there were two equally attractive girls here, one a virgin and the other with seven past relationships, which would you choose to marry?" [14],
without exception, everyone chose the virgin. It speaks volumes that most people hold this opinion—a woman wants a man for whom she will be the last, and a man wants a woman for whom he will be the first. This is a subconscious reality that in itself demonstrates that the Christian stance reflects genuine human needs.
4) Guarantee of True Love
One of the most essential objections to premature sex is the millions of broken hearts, primarily belonging to young women. Intuitively, girls seek love, while men often seek just sex. Men then emotionally manipulate young women with words like, if you love me, you'll yield to me. It's impossible to quantify the tens of millions of hearts that have been broken, or how many lives were lost due to depression, suicide, or subsequent abortions from this kind of practiced sexuality. I dare say that most of this misfortune would never have occurred if a man and a woman had upheld the Christian stance—first getting to know each other closely and developing their relationship, which would later culminate in a sexual life. I also assert that loving understanding without sexual intercourse before marriage serves both partners as proof and guarantee of genuine, non-pretentious love. The other person can be sure it's not "just about that one thing," but that they truly care for them. It is a fact of life that we are often confronted with significant challenges (illness, geographical separation, postpartum complications, etc.) that render sexual intercourse between spouses temporarily impossible. But how will, for example, your husband behave when this occurs? If he doesn't know how to control himself, he'll either cheat on you at the first opportunity or discard you like a rag. Here are some examples of letters that Tomáš Řehák received during his lectures:
"He was after this one thing from me, but I said: 'NO.' 'Don't be old-fashioned, everyone does it,' he pleaded. 'But not with me,' I stood firm. He got angry and told me, 'Well, then I'll ditch you and find someone who understands me.' I replied, 'You know what, if it's just about sex for you, then go. I love you, but my body is all of my heart, it's my entire worth, and I'm saving it for my husband.' In that moment, he understood and apologized to me. I want to thank my mom for raising me with the belief in premarital purity. Many girls don't realize what they are giving away. It's wonderful to know he truly loves me." [14]
A letter from a mother of a fifteen-year-old girl: "This year, my daughter has had sexual relations with seventeen men. She had an abortion last month, and two months ago, she attempted suicide. This morning when she was leaving for school, I asked her, 'Sweetheart, why do you do these things? Why are you destroying yourself? Is your sexual desire so strong that you cannot control it?' She replied, 'No, Mommy, I have no sexual desire at all. I don't even like sex. But every time it's over, the man tells me he loves me.'" [14]
Elsewhere, he quotes the Christian author J. McDowell: "I always wanted to wait, but his pressure was immense. He kept saying, 'Darling, if you love me, you'll let me. Sweetheart, if you care for me, don't let me long for nothing.' 'And what does your lover say today?' She looked down. 'Today he says: 'Darling, if you love me, you'll get rid of it. Sweetheart, if you care for me, you'll have an abortion.'" [14]
5) Exploitation – Sexual Trophy
There is a certain rule in our society (especially among the young generation) that works quite well. Girls use sex to gain love, and men use love to gain sex. Tomáš Řehák continues with the description of another experience, one of many similar experiences of girls who allowed themselves to be heartbroken:
"One girl started dating a boy. It was amazing. She loved him so much. 'It's definitely for life and it'll be beautiful,' she thought. But there was one problem. He often told her: 'I guess I don't seem good enough to you. If you truly loved me, you'd give me everything. Don't you see how you excite me? And then you pull away. Who can put up with that?' She wondered how to show him that she really loved him. Eventually, she decided. She was a little scared but did it. They slept together. They made love. They tried to make it like in the movies. But it didn't quite work. The next day she woke up and thought: Was it worth it? But yes, surely we love each other, surely we'll get married one day. We just started a little early. She waited for a call. Her sweetheart didn't call. So, the next day, she called him. He seemed a little off. Maybe he was in a bad mood. They arranged to meet. She longed for him to reaffirm he loved her. But instead, he said: 'Sorry, something changed in me; I don't know what it is. But our relationship isn't promising; let's end it.'" [14]
6) We Sleep with All Our Love's Partners...
Whether we like it or not, if we marry someone who has had several sexual partners, we, in effect, sleep with all those people! Your partner will compare you to all their past partners and you will compare them. This in itself ruins your sexual relationship and intimacy severely. One young man expressed it this way:
"Most of the girls I've been with are now married to someone else. When I put myself in the shoes of those men, deep down, I wish I hadn't done what I did. Honestly, I'd gladly punch myself for it. And that's not even mentioning that when I get married someday, I won't like the idea that someone else has slept with my wife." [15]
7) Sex on Trial is Not the Answer
Trial partnerships are not the right solution. There is often the argument that one must "be a good fit" in sex. If we enter into a relationship blindly, we might be unpleasantly surprised. However, this is another of the new lies of the sexual industry. Sex is not good solely due to the act itself, but because of the loving and fulfilling relationship in which it is practiced. If the bond between loving partners is right, the sex will find its harmony.
These "living together" arrangements are essentially an expression of distrust in our partner. It's similar to renting an apartment. Why would I be motivated to renovate or improve it when I'm not sure I'll still be living there in two years? Why invest my energy, time, and money into any modification? The same goes for a relationship where there is fear of committing to marriage and fidelity. If we take that step and "buy the apartment," there is more assurance and safety to make necessary "renovations."
Yes, the topic of marriage breakdowns is very current, too. However, we don't have space to address it here. While marriage isn't a guarantee of a lifelong relationship, it is the best model for nurturing it.
8) Better Sex Life
Despite various mocking opinions, waiting until marriage for sex allows a man to respect his wife more and a woman to respect her husband. This, in turn, leads to better quality lovemaking, as mutual trust exists, and each values the other more highly.
There are many more arguments and sad stories of individuals for whom premature sex had catastrophic consequences. I fully acknowledge that it's possible to raise additional questions and challenge many of the conclusions above. You might, for instance, argue that this doesn't apply to a relationship between two engaged people who truly want to live together, love each other, and don't intend to change partners. Why should even they wait? It's true that this is a better approach to a relationship. But with clearly defined divine standards, there's no point in arguing even in these cases.
Not to mention that even here, arguments 2, 4, and 8 above (and many others) still apply. Yes, it is true that such issues as mentioned suicides and other problems often have multiple causes (life is more complex, and our choices are shaped by various influences). However, carefree sexuality is frequently a very significant factor that complicates (or literally destroys) people's lives.
Summation
Premarital purity has very practical justifications and protects against many negative consequences. A relationship between a man and a woman should be developed holistically—not just on a physical level, but also emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Thus, deeming Christianity as outdated, even in this regard, is not wise. Sexual urges are tremendously strong, but God provides the strength to bear this burden.