Question 79 – Isn't forgiveness a sign of weakness?
Forgiveness. A word that elicits a wide range of emotions in people. What does it truly mean? How can we forgive? And is it even possible to forgive certain grievances and wrongs? Shouldn't we, on the contrary, retaliate firmly?
Our society, in some sense, is led to the exact opposite—has someone hurt you? Pay them back double! After all, it's also in our nature. When we feel wronged, we instinctively desire retaliation. However, we often fail to realize that unforgiveness is an extremely destructive phenomenon that has ruined millions of lives. Many people feed their souls with anger and torment themselves with the desire for revenge. So many are literally unbearable for their families and those around them because they harbor resentment and unforgiveness in their hearts, sometimes for a lifetime.
God's Perspective
While forgiveness might seem like a sign of weakness, it is, in fact, a challenging life discipline mastered by few. Yet, God urges us to forgive. He Himself chose to forgive humanity for what they have done against Him, others, and themselves. He requires the same from us—to forgive others. Are you familiar with the "Lord's Prayer"? In it, Jesus encourages this:
"And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:12–15)
Therefore, if we are unwilling to forgive those who have wronged us, we cannot expect God to forgive our own trespasses. Essentially, the measure we use for others, God will use for us. Do not call down divine justice on others, because then divine justice may catch up with you as well. Forgive and grant grace to others, so you might receive grace too. We must recognize that in our world, everyone errs. At times, we need to forgive others; at other times, we need forgiveness ourselves. Without forgiveness, a healthy human society cannot exist.
Very Serious Consequences of Unforgiveness
Holding onto unforgiveness in our hearts is essentially a form of self-destruction. The trauma associated with growing resentment and anger places tremendous strain on our nervous system, leading in many cases to physical and mental illnesses! It's like a poison that infects our entire being and all our relationships (with God, ourselves, and others). Such are the devastating consequences unforgiveness can have! Yet, this immense negative force loses its power through forgiveness. Thus, it is not a weak gesture, but a powerful weapon leading to personal freedom and the halt of evil by breaking the chain of retaliation. Through forgiveness, we release ourselves and others from spiritual imprisonment—instead of losing, we liberate ourselves.
John Powell expressed it aptly:
"It has been wisely said that if you want to be a slave to someone, resent that person. He or she will be with you in the morning, throughout the day, and into the night. The resented person will eat with you and ruin your digestion. He or she will destroy your powers of concentration, ruin your good times, and deprive you of your precious peace and joy. ...You place your happiness in their hands. You give them real power over you..." [9]
What Forgiveness Is Not
It is also essential to clarify that forgiveness does not mean condoning the evil done to us or denying it. By forgiving another, we do not need to agree with their actions or justify them. It also doesn't mean forgetting and erasing the wrongdoing from our memory. Forgiveness is not primarily about feelings. Many deceive themselves and harbor deep anger and contempt toward another person. These people expect to forgive only when they somehow 'feel' like it.
So What Is Forgiveness?
In practical terms, forgiveness is an act of free will not to count the wrongdoing that another has committed against us. We will not remind them of it, nor harbor hatred and anger against the person (or even a nation) in our hearts. In a spiritual sense, forgiveness releases the wrongdoer from the spiritual prison they've found themselves in by committing wrongdoing against us. There are many topics that can be discussed in relation to forgiveness. People often cite specific examples (such as rape, the murder of a loved one, etc.) to argue against the possibility of forgiving such individuals. I do not dare respond to these very serious objections on my own behalf. However, I know there are people who have experienced such horrific events and have managed to forgive. They describe that forgiveness brought them freedom and peace they had long lost. When God demands something from us, He also gives us the strength to fulfill His will. Let me share one example among many where divine power led to reconciliation.
The famous missionary Corrie Ten Boom, who survived the Ravensbrück concentration camp, is one whose suffering cannot be deemed small. How did she react when, two years after the war, she found herself face to face with one of her tormentors—a camp guard? Munich 1947:
"It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former S.S. man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbrück. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there—the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie's pain-blanched face.
He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. 'How grateful I am for your message, Fräulein,' he said. 'To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!'
His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.
Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.
I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.
As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.
And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.'" [10]
Summation
Without forgiveness, it is impossible for functional and healthy relationships to exist. Unforgiveness is like cancer, gradually degrading our entire personality and our relationships. The fundamental remedy for healing any relationship remains forgiveness. It is also the central theme of Christianity, where God Himself freely offers His forgiveness to all who desire it.